Singular Thoughts

If only I was Catholic...

I just got done talking to my little sister Heather about the frustrations of being a single Christian. Both of us are single adults in some form of ministry -- her a missionary to college athletes and me a former pastor and current member of my church's staff. Both of us have dreams about doing things for God in future ministry. But both of us also know that the mindset of the evangelical church of America is against us.

In the evangelical church, marriage is expected for ministers -- whether ministry directors, pastors, or missionaries. Remaining single late in young life is not respected. "When are you going to meet a nice young lady?" I'm asked repeatedly. "I can't believe you've lasted this long without getting married," others say.

What's wrong with being single? Why the rush to marriage? What's wrong with God's timing?

Heather has seen how her singleness has led people to treat her as less of a missionary. People may say, "Good for you. Another nice young lady wants to do something good for God," but they don't open their pocketbooks to help her. She needs financial support just as much as a missionary family of four in Poland. She may not need as much money but she still needs her daily bread. Interestingly, I have actually heard of this happening to other single missionaries through the years.

I have come to the sad conclusion that in the evangelical church singleness is a scarlet letter. Married ministers just don't understand the dilemma of the single Christian. We want to devote our lives to serving God and His church fully but we are barred from participating in the leadership of the Body of Christ. We can serve with our bodies until we are worn out mentally, emotionally and spiritually, but we cannot be considered serious spiritual leaders or wise old mentors. I guess wisdom only comes trough marriage. I'm happy to serve with my hands but I also want the dignity of being heard and taken seriously.

Sadly, I've found that many married pastors barely remember being single, if at all. I worked under one 60-something pastor who married later in life (ripe old 28!) and could have easily put himself in my place as a 28-year-old single. I sought his counsel but he couldn't even remember how he felt at 25, 26, 27, 28... He couldn't relate though he once was in my shoes. Marriage erased his single memory. Perhaps even sadder, I have yet to meet a pastor that accurately knows what it is like to be a single believer in the 21st Century. They all think they know. But they just don't get it.

Here is the basic dilemma that hurts me the most as a single man, ordained into the pastoral ministry three years ago this Thursday. In the evangelical church, there is this unspoken expectation that ministers are to be married men. How many single senior pastors have you heard of? I'm not talking divorced or widowed. I mean never married. Indeed, when it comes to selecting criteria for a pastoral search, "single" gets quickly thrown into the trash heap. It hurts me deeply. I am willing to minister for Christ wherever and however He wants. But to barr me from being a church leader because of my marital status? Scarlet letter.

It doesn't seem to matter that Jesus and Paul were single men. Nope. Spiritual leaders must be married.

But in the Orthodox church, the single man and single woman are celebrated and lifted up. They are sometimes called "Father" or "Mother" and looked to for guidance and spiritual counsel. Fascinatingly, in the Catholic Church spiritual leaders are expected NOT to marry. You cannot be a married priest unless you came into the priesthood as a married man.

While I do not agree that spiritual leaders should NOT marry, I believe Scripture is more on the side of the Orthodox faith than the evangelical faith. Marriage is mentioned only a handful of times in the New Testament, though we all agree that purity and faithfulness in marriage is most sacred. But singleness is also mentioned in the New Testament and each time it is mentioned it is in a positive, God-honoring light. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7 that single believers were blessed because they could devote themselves and their attention fully to the Lord and doing His work. I would expect a pastor or missionary to behave this way. But a married person cannot do so for his or her attention is divided between family and God. Jesus said in Matthew 19 that some were given the gift of singleness so that they may glorify God.

Orthodox faiths get it. Evangelicals do not. I must confess that, as a single man seeking ministry, I would run headfirst towards the faith that accepts me if not for the 99 doctrinal things with which I disagree.

This kills me. It discourages me. No wonder the young single demographic is missing from modern evangelical churches.

I have much more to say but the hour is late. Build up the single believers around you. Don't pressure them to get married. And don't hold them back from ministering for the Lord when you know you shouldn't.